"Kids" are Goats, not Cats, Jerk-Face

5/8/06

I know I've brought this up before, but I cannot possibly express in mere words the violent, insurmountable desire to commit homicide I feel whenever someone refers to their pets as "kids." Seriously, if you could peek into my head when one of these terminally lonely human beings utters that phrase, you would see grinning weasels juggling blood-spattered knives. It's that bad. The following example doubly so, since it involved three people openly encouraging this behavior and no real preamble, which meant it took me a few moments to realize what was going on and so the rage was intensified by the self-loathing involved in allowing myself to have listened to it for so long.

Woman #1: So how's the new baby?
Woman #2: Oh, she's doing pretty good. (I want points for not mentioning the heinous grammatical gaffe committed here by using "good" instead of "well.")
Woman #1: Is she getting spoiled?
Woman #2: Oh, yeah, just a little. Ha-ha!
Woman #3: Like mother like daughter!

Ha-ha-friggin-ha and there was much merriment had by all three women who, by this point, had started to look to me like the three sea-foam bitches from Greek mythology who only had one eye and one tooth to share amongst them. I wonder if the guns & ammo store down the street is open yet...

In the spirit of the hilariously time-sucking website Overheard in New York, I bring you some other random crap I've heard in my office recently:

Brain Freeze

Broad #1: I just don't like yogurt.
Broad #2: You like frozen yogurt, I bet.
Broad #1: Yeah, but if you melted it I wouldn't.
Broad #2: Well, then it wouldn't be frozen yogurt.
Broad #1: But it wouldn't be regular yogurt, either. They're two different kinds of mix--mixturate--mir--...whatever; I don't like it.

Extra Toilet Paper
Upon Request

Broad #1: Did you guys ever eat at Trotters?
Broad #2: Oh, I loved that place.
Broad #3: We used to go there all the time.
Me: Does no one else see the irony of naming a restaurant "Trotters?"

For those of you dear readers terribly concerned that I haven't gone off on a newsworthy or topical tirade recently, not to worry; I'm sure at some point this week something in the geopolitical world will get my dander up enough to hammer out eight hundred or so words on the matter. Until then I hope this sort of "packing-peanut" filler stuff will suffice. If you'll excuse me, I think there's a Craps game forming in the alley...

Seven or eleven, sucka's; roll d'em bones!