The War on Gasoline. . . and Idiocy

4/25/06


Warning: Below is a chain e-mail of staggering over-simplification and rampant stupidity. To be fair to those who forward this electronic version of badger-vomit, I will allow that on the surface it seems like a fine idea, however, I invite you to read with a skeptical mind and enjoy the many succulent layers of self-importance and delusion involved. I've inserted helpful little comments in parenthesis, and trundicated the body of the message a bit to make it more digestible. If you've read this email before please feel free to skip to the end where I proceed to rip it a new one with the 12-gauge phallus of my sparkling wit.



GAS WAR - an idea that WILL work

(No...no it won't.)

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is super cheap. Me too! With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And, we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How?

(I'm intrigued! I, too, want something for nothing! Instant results without having to actually do anything even remotely difficult? It's the American way!)

Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.

(Here's where we wave bye-bye to modern economic theory in favor of something that must have been concocted either by a shit-pounding lunatic high on ether fumes, or someone in President Bush's Administration.)

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. It's really simple to do! Keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I am sending this note to 30 [people?]. If each of us send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) ... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth group of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers.
If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

(I'll wait until you finish choking on the voodoo math laid out above which assumes that everyone in this country knows 10 people that everyone else doesn't know and these magical fairy emails will never overlap. Finished gagging on the Bone of Illogic? Moving on.)

If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people.... Well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician. But I am. so trust me on this one.) :-)

(You are not a mathematician. You, are an asshole. I invite you to wait right there while I get a stepladder so you can jump directly up my eager ass, you condescending prick.)

If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. I suggest that we not buy from EXXON/MOBIL UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK!!!!!

(Well, the man's extraneous use of capital letters and exclamation points has certainly convinced me hes not a fucking moron!)

Sounds good, yes? Let's find out why this not only won't lower gasoline prices, but might actually be a boon for the companies this creative genius seems to think we can cripple with the power of our impotent rage.



1) First of all, human beings are lazy and selfish. Assuming for the moment we could get millions of people to participate in anything other than an American Idol vote, how long do you really think people would be willing to pass up the closest gas station just because it happens to have an Exxon sign outside? Probably until their next fill-up, is my guess.

2) Exxon/Mobil owns about a 10-15% market share. Were that 15% suddenly chopped off like a chicken's head, the other gasoline and oil companies would have to take up that slack, meaning there will be a much higher demand for their product vs. the supply they possess. More demand + less supply = huge, painful price spike. So now were paying more than we ever were originally, making $2.75/gallon gas look like a candy-coated paradise compared to the petroleum anal dildo-raping weve thrust ourselves onto.

3) Exxon/Mobil might drop prices a bit, but our generally self-interested species would have to live with this fanciful one year boycott by paying ridiculously higher prices while passing by Exxon/Mobil stations several chunks cheaper per gallon. The pervasive "well, what difference would it make if little old me got cheap gas?" idea would run amok.

4) Guess what; oil companies sell gas to each other. Should Exxon/Mobil suddenly find they are flush with excess liquid combustibles they would simply turn right around and start siphoning it off to the other companies from whom we are purchasing it like puppies at the teat, and probably turn a tidy profit to boot because, remember, with a 15% gap to make up for, their competitors are scrambling like Hungry Hungry Hippos to gobble up our new consumer insanity.

You wanna know how to lower gas prices? Buy less gasoline, assholes! Drive less! That's it; that's all. Just as there is no quick-fix to good weight and health other than the sacrifice of diet and exercise, there is no magic retard-bullet to drive as much as you want and still enjoy lower gas prices. Point of fact, the United States actually pays less per gallon than most countries in the world*; most of Europe pays well over $4 per gallon.



So suck it up, you SUV-driving sissies, take the silver spoon of entitlement out of your pouting, greedy mouths, and maybe consider walking the quarter mile to McDonalds, huh? I understand we were given these duel, spindly little things dangling from our asses for a reason.





* http://money.cnn.com/pf/features/lists/global_gasprices/


Sources:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/gasoline/gasout.asp
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5361088