Six-Pack O Newborns

4/13/06


In the spirit of bringing you horrible crap that happens from not only the globe, but around our fair state (remember the St. Louis DJ who used the word "coon" in reference to Secretary Rice?) I offer you, dear readers, this little touch of psychosis:

Kris and Sarah Everson of Grain Valley, Missouri are not only facing criminal charges, but are high in the running for jerkiest Missourians of the year. Kris, 45, and Sarah, 33, met in March of last year and got hitched (third marriage for him, fourth for her) soon afterward. Neighbors, friends and the community as a whole were shocked and delighted whenever the couple declared the delivery of sextuplets! Thats right; six little bouncing bundles of joy like something out of Raising Arizona.

These two jewels of humanity announced last month that they had given birth to four boys and two girls who remained in hospice for intensive care. Journalists were unable to photograph the litter not only for that reason, but because the Eversons apparently had a deranged relative who had threatened to harm the kids, whatever that means. I find it hard to imagine why a photo of six pudgy little humans who all vaguely resemble Winston Churchill could somehow endanger their safety. It's not as if it's easy to hide sextuplets.

Or is it? Easier than you might think, as it turns out that none of them existed in the first place. Thats right; while the supposed mommy was smiling and showing off six tiny outfits for the cameras she was also lying her ass off about them having been born. Kris and Sarah just plain made the whole damn thing up.

The reasoning behind this entire farce was the fact that the couple was unable to pay their bills, and knowing the fervor kicked up by multiple births, thought this would be a perfect way to get people to send them money. Before being exposed as fetal con artists, the Eversons had wracked up a pirate's booty including a new van, a washer and dryer, thousands of dollars in cash and gift certificates, and even had a house coming to them in the near future.

It was a good plan, or I would say it was a good plan, if it had been concocted by either a third grader or maybe a bi-polar tuna fish. As far as money-making plans perpetrated by adults goes, this one ranks just under pasting paper-mache wings to your mute cousin Louie who guzzles PBR tall-boys at 9 in the morning, and charging people $10 to come into his trailer and "see the Archangel Gabriel!"

Mr. and Mrs. Master Criminal have since apologized for suckling off the teat of human compassion, but the law has decided "aw, shucks, our bad," isn't quite going to make up for bilking thousands of dollars from well-meaning citizens and has promised to prosecute these two sinkholes of human morality. I think dumbfounded Police Chief Aaron Ambrose put it best when he said of this behavior:

"I have never dealt with anything like this. The level of fraud like this involving people, I have not." You can almost see him shaking his head in disbelief.

I guess I just don't really understand how they pictured getting away with it. How long did they take to plan this out, forty seconds? "Gee, we sure can't pay our bills. What're we gonna do? I know! Fake sextuplets! It's perfect! Pass me the ether rag, I need another hit!"

Didn't they wager that at some point the people intrigued in this story would, oh, I dunno, want to see the fucking kids? Surely it had been troublesome to the tiny peanut of a mind shared between them when all the regional hospitals denied ever delivering, much less caring for six simultaneous births. But who knows; maybe I'm being too hard on them. Perhaps whenever they were exposed they already had plans to buy half a dozen monkeys, shave them, and swaddle them in linen. That makes about as much sense as anything else.

Damn...jerks...making our state look bad. I certainly hope nothing heavy falls on Sarah and Kris. Like a building. And stop growing bad, white-trash mustaches, you bastards!