Shorts

1/15/06


You never notice how many large, white or blue automobiles there are out there until you spend four years driving around without a license and then one day suddenly realize your tags are expired. The paranoia gets so great that you’re even afraid to drink your can of sprite for fear it will be confused with some new, bizarre form of green and white-canned beer. Not that I do these things…but I can imagine, you understand.

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I find that my need to frequent the bathroom increases in direct proportion to how bored I am at work.

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I think instead of a bank teller or ticket agent saying “next” all the time, they should mix it up once in awhile and say, “I’ll take the previous one in line, please.” Watch the patrons process that one.

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The other day I heard the most meaningless statement ever, which takes some doing since most of what humans spout from their gab-holes is so retarded anyway. It was this: “…circumstances in which we find ourselves at this point in time.” All of this verbal diarrhea could be replaced with “circumstances.” I really, really hate people.

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I don’t know if I could ever live in New York. I’m not confident I could get used to all the TV shows coming on an hour later.

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Whenever you tell someone you’re atheist you always get, “Are you atheist, or agnostic?” This is very telling of the person to whom you are speaking. It means one of two things. Either they find the idea of atheism so repellent that you can’t possibly be one, and they’re giving you an opportunity to chose agnosticism which, while demonic and hades-bound, your immoral soul could still be salvagable, OR they think you’re too dumb to know what the fucking word agnostic means and the difference between the two. Neither are very comfortable options, and I recommend that you cease and desist speaking to whomever utters them forthwith. But do wish them a Merry Xmas, I mean, no need to be a dick.

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If I go to the bathroom often enough people think I’m either a chronic masturbator or addicted to cocaine. Can’t it be both?

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I heard a “news story” today regarding the number of people who felt they’d been discriminated against in the workforce over the past year. The woman reporting said many things that seemed intelligent unless you actually listened to them, culminating with the summation of the report which went like this: “Women and minorities reported much more discrimination at work than other groups.” I guess white males felt things were going just swimmingly for them. It’s a good thing we have studies that figure out these things and news reports to let the public know.

I want to put something sharp in my eye.


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Can we all agree to stop using the term "give 110%"? It’s just asinine. We all know what the fuck you mean; you’re an overachieving asshole without the imagination to come up with anything other than tired, rehashed percentages that are not only meaningless but impossible in the physical universe. Kudos!

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I think people who refer to their pets as “kids” should be forced to adopt unwanted crack babies. Shut them the fuck up for awhile about how their goddamn dog has human emotions and “talks” to them. Egh. Either that or we could just shoot these people; it’s not as if they seem to have any meaningful human relationships so the moral fallout should be minimal, though we might have to start eating all the misplaced animals…you know, put ‘em to good use.


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I find it annoying that my spell checker doesn’t recognize the word “meth.” The mere fact that I’ve typed the word enough to be annoyed by the little squiggly red line underneath it is the most interesting part of this thought.


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At the date of this posting we had spent approximately $225,297,609,814.42 of taxpayer money on the war in Iraq. For those of you who, like me, feel moronic counting up how many commas there are in a number so as to ascertain the value, that’s about 225 billion dollars. With a “B”. If you want a relatively accurate running total, add $10,000 to the total every five seconds, or click here.

I certainly hope China doesn’t come bill collecting, ‘cause the country will have to turn off the lights and pretend we’re not home.


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I’ve been smoking regularly for some 8 years now, and averaging 2 inches per cigarette, (I tend to leave the last third or so uncombusted,) I have smoked about 18½ miles of cigarette over my lifetime.

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I think without masturbation I would be responsible for a lot more random violence than I am.

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There are more people alive today than yesterday.

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Abraham Lincoln was a chronically depressed, vocationally stagnated, awkward man who spoke as if high on Helium all the time and was married to a manic depressive, possessive, loony of a woman he might or might not have even loved, during arguably the most difficult time to be a President, what with the bloodiest war in even current American history going on, not to mention one of his kids died prematurely. All this happened before he got shot in the back of the head while watching a play.

This kind of thing makes me feel like an asshole whenever I say my life sucks. Fuck you, Lincoln. How dare you rob me of my self pity?…stovepipe hat wearin’ sum-bitch.

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Sometimes I pine for the 1950’s, when all the men wore suits and hats and the women wore dresses and three-martini lunches were all the rage and there were all manner of fancy cocktail parties with small things wrapped in bacon. It was indeed a grand time to be alive. You know, except for all the lynchings.

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For all of you out there who think I have no faith in humanity, dig this: I once bought $150 worth of meat from a guy in a pickup truck selling it door-to-door out of a cooler in the back…in the middle of summer. And I ate it. Take that, America.