The Magic Man

5/17/06


I'm beginning to think that maybe I've been unfair to the current administration over the past 5 years. I was under the impression that Dubya and his pack of rabid monkeys were willfully ignorant and savagely out-of-touch with the way the real world works. But now, in the wake of his speech on immigration reform on Monday, I see where I've been mistaken; George Bush clearly believes in magic. He must, there is no other explanation for his wildly fanciful ramblings concerning "immigration reform," which has apparently become the WMDs of this election year.

President Bush took the bold step of taking no stand whatsoever on the issue in his speech on Monday, saying that

"The objective is, on the one hand, protect our borders, and on the other hand, never lose sight of the thing that makes America unique, which is we're a land of immigrants,"

And

"The temporary-worker program goes hand-in-hand with border security."

I've made fun of our president in the past for an inability to see any facet of a situation other than what he wants to see, rather like a child who, upon catching mommy and daddy fornicating in the outhouse, screams and closes his eyes with his fingers in his ears every time he sees a toilet. It appears Bush has gone to the other side of the spectrum, now seeing too many options (and the very real possibility of losing the House and Senate to those damn Democrats in the upcoming election) and so he's chosen to stand there, starry-eyed as a deer in headlights and point at options which could exist in the real world, if fairies and unicorns were cavorting about the White House lawn.

The President has promised to send 6000 National Guard troops (the ones not currently serving a third tour in Iraq) swooping down upon the border to supplement the Border Patrol already there, until those soldiers can be replaced by new border guards. Basically, throw bodies at the problem. I hear the battalion of pixies armed with Mexican-seeking sleeping dust is loaded and ready at Ft. Leonard Wood, just waiting for the green light. Leaving aside the fact that adding more border guards in the past has changed the number of illegal immigrants not one iota, theres the logistical situation to consider. Currently the Border Patrol churns out about 1500 new recruits per year, so we can look forward to having those NG troops rotated out in a scant 4 years.

The real problem with getting fresh meat into the Border Patrol is that, basically, the job blows royal chunks. It's hard, hot, thankless, the pay is one step above the migrant workers theyre trying to keep out, and it's fucking boring. Care to hear about one of their duties? A dude sits in a truck at the border. That's it. This poor schmuck camps his caboose in a car seat for ten or twelve hours per day to watch the dancing of the heat waves as illegal immigrants decide to go around his station. Doesn't look so good on a recruitment poster. Oh, and by the way, new guy, youll be making less money than the local police department.

All of this signifies nothing, really. The President's political clout right now has about as much punch as an anorexic dung beetle, and with bat-shit insane Senator Bill Frist spewing spittle from his lips while ranting about arresting 11 million people, the conservatives in the House rather displeased with imagined amnesty, and the more or less indentured servitude of Bush's "guest worker" program, the speech on Monday sort of just lays there on the operating table, panting like a small, dying rat.

The towns along the US/Mexican border should be very pleased they will soon resemble a demilitarized zone from Escape from New York, though. Maybe all the wood nymphs and desert elves can pretty the place up a bit with some wind chimes or something.



Sources: http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000103&sid=a0FPxvX_dCxc&refer=us

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5410550