Canned Laughs

5/16/06

Have you ever seen the movie Spaceballs? It's a classic Mel Brooks spoof of Star Wars and several other memorable Sci-Fi pictures. Should you be one of those sad individuals unlucky enough to have skipped this cinematic gem by, I highly recommend picking it up so we can compare Schwartzes. Also, am I the only one who actually got hungry whenever Pizza the Hut was on the screen? Thats probably worth a pause or two... At any rate, the point of this walk down 80's-parody memory lane is that sometimes something that seems really ridiculous and funny in a film actually comes to production in the real world. (I'm still waiting for the Hoverboard from Back to the Future II, but I digress. . . ) I speak, of course, of canned air.

Mel Brooks uses air-in-a-can (which looks and sounds just like a beer when opened) as a supplement in the movie because planet Spaceball is running out of oxygen. The ludicrousness (Ludicrous Speed!) of breathing air from a 12 oz aluminum can is good for a larf or two, but it appears our Japanese brothers, always ahead of the bizarre and useless trend curve, have brought just such an item to fruition!

7-11's in Japan will now offer canned oxygen in 3.2 liter cans named O2 Supli, available in either mint or grapefruit scent because apparently, nothing smells better than shoving either gum or your breakfast directly up your nose. The cans contain 95% oxygen and are supposed to alleviate stress, fatigue and just overall malaise that comes with the day-to-day grind in our oxygen depleted environments. The fact that O2 has never been proven to do any of these things has not stopped countless pretentious "Oxygen Bars" from cropping up across our country where people with too much disposable income and not enough meaning in their life belly-up to a counter to breath like patients in a coma ward.

Well why the fuck not? We pay for bottled water for Christsake and that's no less ridiculous. I suppose it's only a matter of time before "Gravity in a Box! now with more pull!" comes out. What the fuck other free resources could some marketing genius convince the lowing, cud-chewing masses to open their wallets for? How about sunlight?

"New, Sol-X! Its like the Sun, only it comes in a convenient aerosol can which you can spray anywhere! Tired of searching forever for your keys? With new Sol-X just squirt a dash inside your purse and presto, instant, blazing nuclear light*! Or say, Doc, how about those pesky gyno exams? . . ."

There are countless applications, I'm sure.

Canned oxygen. Jesus. You know who needs canned oxygen? Miners, divers and astronauts. Unless you're collapsing from CO2 contamination on the way from your car to the office door I suggest you spend your money on something useful; maybe some kind of pneumatic press so you can shove your head directly up your ass. Hey, I bet you'd need the canned air up there, too!

*May cause indigestion, hives, nose bleed, cancerous tumors, sterility, pretentiousness, and/or melting eyes. Product not for use by anyone.