Feline Insanity

5/17/06

Thats it; close up shop, run down the curtain, call off the dogs because we have an all-time winner for crazy-ass pet people. I know I talk about this a lot, but the savage, quasi-insane way some people talk about the animals which share their empty, sad lives never ceases to mystify and boggle my mind.

I returned to work from lunch today (roasted chicken with mashed potatoes and coleslaw) and was immediately dunked into a cold water bath of sociopathic musings from the two middle-aged, powerfully lonely women who sit on the other side of my cubicle wall. It started off as the normal (that's not to say sane, merely commonplace) font of lunacy with one of the women talking about her new "child" (cat) and the other, much more deeply disturbed because she actually lives vicariously through Crazy Cat Lady, giggling and "awe"-ing and just generally being a large, sad woman in powerful need of a romantic relationship with something other than a gallon of Rocky Road and a Brad Pitt calendar. But slowly and as strongly as I tried not to listen, the conversation took an ominous turn.

It seems Crazy Cat Lady has been letting Giggling Pitt-Lover (I'm not even fucking joking here) baby-sit her cats. Not when she goes on vacation, either; no, it appears that Crazy Cat Lady has been taking her overindulged felines over to Giggling Pitt-Lovers house to, I dunno, visit with the saddest human on the planet or something. Upon hearing this I had to cinch my butthole tight to prevent my organs from just exploding out my rectum in protest to this level of insanity.

But it got worse.

Before my very ears, CCL actually referred to GPL as the cats godmother. What? WHAT?! The goddamn CATS have god-parents?! Where does this self-delusion end? I fully expect any day for her to announce that "Mrs. Hugglesbottom has just received her graduate degree from Adorable-Puss University!" shortly before hawking up a hairball, (because obviously shes taken to grooming them herself) whipping out an Uzi and just spraying us all down with hot lead. How the universe kept from just inverting in on itself and crushing the life out of all existence at the utterance of "godmother" I'll never understand.

People like this should be forced to spend some time in an asylum where they have to watch someone engage in a blow-job contest with imaginary contestants.