Phat Ass

4/5/06


When did it become A-OK to be morbidly obese*? Was I asleep? I don't recall getting to vote on whether we were all going to look the other way while a third of our population attempts to empty the world of food. Just because a scale-tipping 31% of the US population is more than a hundred pounds overweight (in 1960 it was 13%) doesn't mean it should be socially acceptable to suck Twinkie cream through a straw and act like a fat idiot.

Okay...okay...sorry; I may have flown off the handle a little bit there. But this trend toward unapologetically filling our arteries with straight pork fat makes me want to run down the street just plunging sharp objects into people. What really set me off recently was this: Phat Girlz Movie

This sugar-coated ass-bomb of a film stars Mo'nique who, for those of you who haven't seen the tons-of-fun trailer, is a fat, sassy black woman. Can we all get together and agree that being proud of sweating on relatively cool days is just asinine? This attitude of "I'm big 'n beautiful" is rather like saying "I know I'm not supposed to inject heroin directly into my eyeballs, but how dare you bring it up?!"

The fact that Mo'nique plays a soul-shattering stereotype is a conversation all on its own. For the time being I'll have to forget that the proud, fat-ass, "oh no you didn't" black woman who can't understand why she can't find a man despite the fact that she's shoveling chicken nuggets into her gaping maw at a feverish pace was a tired, retarded step-and-fetch-it cliche' twenty years ago.

The worst part is that these women are never going after normal men. No, theyre targeting super-hot, well muscled guys who would make even me take a second glance. Such as:


Does nobody else see the irony here? Leaving aside the radical lunacy of hitting on people out of your league, these women are not attracted to bloated sacks of beer and cheeseburgers; they, like everyone else, want toned, attractive dudes who look as though they could bench press a Prius. Hypocrite, table for one?

Unless I very much miss my biology, humans are not supposed to be carrying an extra hundred pounds on their already taxed skeletons. Every time I see one of these asshole movies with people who cum at the thought of doughnut batter in a squeeze tube it makes me want to scream into their face, "You're not supposed to look like the Michelin Man, you dumb sonuvabitch! Its un-fucking-healthy! Eat an apple!"

I'm all for people accepting and embracing our differences, but I have no sympathy for someone who is courting death by mainlining hot dogs and then complains that some of us are disgusted by their behavior.

I do have real empathy for those out there who realize they're flirting with heart disease and are trying to take off the weight for the betterment of their bodies; I have no problem with that and admire it more than a little. I know its hard to lose weight, especially for women.

I would never make fun of somebody merely for being overweight or obese. Point of fact, I'd rather have a woman carrying an extra ten or twenty pounds than one violently obsessed with being thin; that's not healthy either, you're supposed to have curves, sweetie-pie. (I like wide hips and an ass; just not those that get mistaken for national parks.) I'm not even talking about people who are fifty pounds overweight. What I cannot abide is those who are obese, know they're obese, don't care, and instead of putting down the third log of bacon-crumbled Velveeta, have decided the rest of us need to reevaluate what a human being is supposed to look like. Those people are fair game for mockery as far as I'm concerned.


Whenever you can actually hear your own heart screaming merely from sitting upright, I'm pretty sure confusion over not getting laid is the least of your problems.











*Obesity is a condition describing excess body weight in the form of fat. Morbid obesity is defined as being about 100 lbs. overweight or having a Body Mass Index (BMI) of around 40 or above. Obesity is associated with many illnesses and is directly related to increased mortality and lower life expectancy. Dr. Felix Spiegel, http://ww2.khou.com/Global/story.asp?S=2125612

For a BMI scale plus lots of other neat charts 'n things: http://nhlbisupport.com/bmi/