The Twilight of Love

3/1/06

I was watching Boston Legal last night, as I am wont to do, whenever a commercial caught my attention. These days we are all familiar with medications being hawked on television and most of them are pretty vague about what they do. Usually you get to see some couple on a bicycle built for two tooling around a park or finger-painting in the rain or some bullshit and then "Try Zyloplex!" They're so vague, in fact, that you don't want to go asking your doctor about them, as they suggest, lest you look like a syphilitic sociopath with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

There are two exceptions to this formula, and they come in the form of medication for your hair and pills for your prick. These two are right in your face about it, and they're everywhere, which tells you precisely who's bankrolling the pharmaceutical companies; old, impotent bald men. I wouldn't be surprised if one day I just see a commercial with a chrome-domed, wrinkled old geezer, stark naked, flaccid penis dangling in the breeze, who pops a pill, grows a luxurious mane in seconds then lifts a dump truck with his erection.

The drug commercial that I saw was for Cialis. They make no bones about it; this pill is for your prick. I'm paraphrasing. What was really hilarious about it was the manner in which they go about showing this without actually filming two octogenarians humping on a stairwell. Enjoy:

First we're treated to some video of a nice looking, older couple. They're not spring chickens, but if you'd had a shot or two, you'd fuck 'em. Truth be told, I probably would have fucked the woman anyway, but I'm getting off point here. Within a few seconds it becomes clear the couple is ready for a little afternoon horizontal-tango as they nuzzle each other and turn toward the bedroom, all the while accompanied by the soothing baritone of the narrator explaining that "…with Cialis, you have up to 36 hours" within which you can get it up. I dunno, maybe it comes with a hand crank or something. Moving on!

Next there is a knock at the door and--oh no!--it's the kids and they've brought their youngin's over to visit grandma and grandpa! Looks like the silver-haired fox of a grandpa will have to wait to dip into grandma's willing honey pot.

There's more narration but by this point I'm so amused that I'm no longer listening. The couple spends the entire day entertaining the family, all the while casting lusty glances at each other and whispering surreptitiously whenever they think junior can't see them. I think I even saw a quick tit-grab.

FINALLY the goddamn family goes home and now you just know it's time for banging, yes? Well…no, not yet it seems, because despite the fact this couple was earlier prepared to do a little sweating upstairs, they've decided that's too nominal and want to get romantic.

They drive--I shit you not--they drive up the coast and where do they end up for this erstwhile tryst? A restaurant, a nice bed and breakfast? Nope. It's an ice cream stand by the side of the highway. Apparently Rocky Road and diesel fumes really lights grandpa's candle. I am confused. But it gets better.

This Magellan of husband and wife then proceed to take a leisurely stroll around a quaint old lighthouse, apparently enjoying the phallic imagery. Oh, by the way, it's sunset now, and that will be important later. Surely their next stop is a hotel or something. Wrong.

It's a walk in the sand by the beach! Okay, granted, this is pretty romantic. Nothin' strips off the panties faster than getting sand in your vagina. The sun's still setting.

The hike down a deserted beach that curiously had no needles or condoms on it completed, this commercial should be over. I think it is, because by this time the screen telling me all the horrific side effects I can look forward to in my quest for the perfect woody. "Explosion of testicles" might have been on there, but I can't be sure.

But wait, you didn't think they'd let us go without finding out what happened to grandma and grandpa, did you? Hell no! Did they fuck, or what? This might be a perfect place to put up a tasteful shot of two people lounging in bed, cuddled up in matching, fuzzy bath towels or something. The ad wizards for Cialis went another way. Beyond all reason and sanity, we now have a shot of the couple, still backlit by the sunset, laying inside claw-foot bathtubs filled with water and positioned on the goddamn beach looking out toward the ocean. I think my head may explode.

And then the commercial just ends! No explanation of whether these were abandoned bathtubs that just washed up, or if this clearly severely deranged old couple broke into a kitchen and bath store and dragged them onto the beach; nothin'! Where'd they get antique bathtubs?! More to the point, why are they inside two separate ones looking at the ocean instead of making the beast with two backs? And are they naked in there? You can't tell because of the sunset but which is crazier: lying naked inside a bathtub in public or fully clothed? I dunno because by this point my brain has liquefied and it's running out of my ears.

And what about the sunset? It perpetually looked as if it were just about to drop off the horizon this whole time! How long did they spend at each activity, thirty seconds? The only other explanation that doesn't involve complicated math is that we're three separate nights and now they've blown it because the pill only lasts for 36 hours. This couple wasn't horny; they were bat-shit insane!

Jesus, grandpa, just awkwardly hump her for forty seconds in bed before she wakes up like a decent human being and spare the rest of us your lunacy.

Oooooooh, MAN! I need a drink.