The Most Dangerous Game

2/14/06

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, I tried to hold out as long as possible, but it seems as though even one as magnanimously patient as yours truly has his limits. So, the Vice President shot an old guy in the face. There. I said it. Even I, on quite embedded into liberal ideology can admit that this story has probably gotten overblown. As a strict news piece it’s barely worth the effort, but as strictly fucking funny it’s gold. So here we go!

Harry Whittington, one of Cheney’s friends and hunting buddies was “peppered” with buckshot over the weekend when he apparently crept up behind the Veep and tried to block Cheney’s sweeping shot of farm raised, purposely released quail (with all the wild intelligence of an egg beater) with the better part of his 78 year old face. The jokes practically write themselves. The funniest part of the whole affair is the fact that Cheney is so embarrassed about it that he has yet to personally make a statement concerning the accident, preferring to go through the time-honored tradition of letting the chick who’s farm you’re on release the story that the man who is second in command of the free world has just released a large amount of metal into his friend’s face.

But Cheney’s (first sitting VP to be involved in a shooting since Alexander Hamilton dueled with Aaron Burr!) not the one taking most of the flak (no pun intended) over the fiasco. The real whipping boy here is every reporter’s favorite chew-toy, White House Press Secretary Scott “Punching Bag” McClellen. Let’s look at some of the highlights from today:

Deb Orin of the New York Post wondered why “the vice president has failed in any way to stand up and say, ‘I made a mistake.’”

McClellen, probably wishing he had a shotgun himself, said, “He has commented through his spokeswoman.”

Bill Plante of CBS took up the reins with a one-two combo. “But why haven’t we heard from him?”

“I don’t think he had any public events scheduled,” McClellen said.

Plante, smelling blood in the water as Ryan mixes his metaphors, said, “He could schedule one. It would be easy. If he wanted to come over here, you’d probably let him. We would turn up.”

Now that’s fucking sarcasm! At this point McClellen, perhaps afraid he was about to be pantsed and thrown into a locker, retorted with his own witty banter. “Okay, then you can start running the vice president’s office, Bill.”

I bet he wished desperately the guy’s name had been “dick.” With that final statement, McClellen turned on his heels and walked away from the podium like a man in danger of making BM in his pants.

With news about this “man-peppering” saturating the 24-hour news networks, it’s nice to know that the media has finally found one story they’re willing to grow some balls for and really go after. Lord knows there hasn’t been much scandal in this administration to sink their teeth into.

But all kidding aside I know the VP is a busy man; he can’t be catering to the whim of a nation just looking for some semblance of human emotion from a man who makes Karl Rove look cuddly. Cheney just doesn’t have time to say he’s sorry. I mean look at what they were hunting; that which most hunters regard as the toughest of game; prearranged, pen raised, released birds with brains the size of chickpeas. He’s so busy protecting our country he doesn’t even have time to walk around looking for real wild birds, people, cut the man some slack! I don’t know why they don’t just stake the birds out on the ground and let the guys go up and blast ‘em point-blank. Better yet, they could pre-kill them then just kinda throw them onto the White House lawn where Cheney could explode them from his limo. It’s these kinds of freedoms we’re fighting to preserve in Iraq, people! Get on board!

It was a little odd that Cheney waited a full twenty four hours to inform the public (by way of some broad in a news interview beside a friggin’ highway) of the accident, but in his defense he did spend upwards of twenty minutes or so beside the hospital bed of the friend he had shot in the fucking face.