Spam...with Tits

2/3/06

The internet: arguably the most important invention of the 20th century. I say this because unlike the car or airplane or atomic bomb the internet was not destined to be created. With those other things several people around the world were simultaneously coming up with the same invention independent of each other, and the ideas had been a dream of man since time out of mind.

Car=a motorized carriage without all the annoyance of animal feces.

Airplane=wheeee, I can fly!

Atomic bomb=kill a whole bunch of people we disagree with all at once.

But the internet was not inevitable, at least not so early in our development and not in the same way as those other things; a computerized web of interconnected computers with instantaneous communication around the world and terabytes of literary, scientific, business and historical information available to everyone 24 hours a day! Plus...porn.

I won't bore you with the details regarding the genesis of the internet (I actually think it's kinda neat; I recommend looking it up sometime) but instead today wish to talk about a subject that has been beaten into the dirt, perhaps, but is still pretty fucking funny: The insane, annoying, stupid (and in some cases just plain evil) shit people do over email. I'm not breaking new ground here, but I've found some pretty funny examples.

Everybody knows the internet is rife with ludicrous and annoying chain emails asking you to forward their mildly retarded crap around cyberspace ad infinitum and for this charge you will receive good luck or a phone call or a gas powered dick sucking machine or something. And, naturally if you don't send this specific series of ones and zeros beaming off throughout the cosmos Fate (who is well known to be in favor of people annoying each other) will strike you down with anal warts.

This one was posted on MySpace from a chick whom I've never actually corresponded with, yet is listed as one of my friends because I liked the look of her tits.

As you read this take note of the savage, almost violent sexual language implicit in gaining a positive response from fate.




ITS PRETTY FUNNY THAT YOU OPENED this because in the next seven days you will:
* have someone fall in love with you
* find a $20.00 bill on the ground
* make-out with the person you like
* your best friend will get you a really nice gift

BUT...first you will have to repost this with 1 of these titles:

"ANY BODY WANNA FUCK ME?"
"FUCK U BITCH.........AND I HOPE U READ THIS"
"I admit I sucked his dick last night"
"I need help losin my virginity"
"BEST WAY TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY"
"I FUCKING GOT ARRESTED AGAIN"

BEWARE IF U DONT REPOST THIS SOMETHING BAD WILL...................
HAPPEN



Strictly speaking, I'm not against savage, violent sexual language, but this borders on the psychotic, don't you think? It does have a point in its favor, other than the flowery speech, that is usually absent from the normal chain email; namely the curiously specific nature of the rewards you can expect. (Not $20, but a $20 bill!) In the next 7 days, huh? Jesus I better hop-to because I've had entire years go by that weren't this good. Apparently there is a sort of harmonizing effect to this specificity, because of the wildly vague nature of the doom that will be heaped upon you, i.e. "something bad" will "happen." Oh fuck!

I've just noticed that my second example requires a bit more space than I can justifiably give it in this entry, so guess what, ladies and gentlemen? It's a Ramblings first; a two-parter! Marvel as Ryan waxes through a combined 1600 words about something you're only marginally interested in! Tune in for Spam...with Tits, Part II

(I use too many parentheses.)