I Could Be That Man

2/12/06


Someone emailed this list of how to be a good man recently. I don’t like the implications of that. (I’m looking at you, Marcy! Tell me I don’t know how to love…) It was a pretty good list, but a little lacking in specifics, so I edited it to make it easier for every man to be the perfect partner. My additions are in italics for your convenience. You’re welcome, dear readers.


____________________________________________________




1. DON'T FORCE HER TO DO ANYTHING.
[She won't trust you if you do & it'll be awkward]

Years of subtle psychological torture are more effective, and it’ll eventually make it seem like whatever you want was her idea in the first place.

2. Grab her hand when you walk next to each other.
[She always gets butterflies when you do it; it makes her feel like you want her]

Also, grab her ass at “fun” times, like at her mother’s funeral or during films about genocide. It’ll let her know you’re spontaneous and can’t keep your hands off her.

3. When standing, wrap your arms around her.
[It makes her feel like you really love her.]

Really, really wrap them. Use duct tape. If you hear cracking you’ve done it too hard.

4. Cuddle with her.
[She'll feel like you're there for her]

Lay on top of her if necessary. She loves it, no matter how many times she claims not to know you or threatens legal action.


5. Hug her from behind
[It makes her feel special]

This is the perfect position for slipping an ether rag over her nose and mouth. I like to call them “handkerchiefs of love…and subservience.”

6. Write little notes.
[She smiles. They're cute; The end]

Make them fun, things like “I know the route you take home from work,” or “You remind me of the woman who molested me as a child.”

7. Compliment her Honestly.
[No girl likes a liar and no girl likes a person who lies about it when you compliment her]

Good starters: “Thinking of you naked makes me cut myself, but in a good way,” or “I like the way you don‘t bruise easily.”


8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
[It makes her feel wanted]

At least hold her until she promises to stop screaming and trying to get away.

9. Be super sweet to her.
[All girls like a super sweet guy]

Be sure to tell her that you’d kill yourself if she ever left you. Show her the gun.

10. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
[She'll go to bed with a smile]

Breath heavily into the phone. Tell her you can see her right now. Sharpen a knife over the receiver so she knows how much you’re thinking of her.

11. Comfort her when she cries.
[She'll feel like you'll ALWAYS be there for her]

Explain to her that if she would just do what you told her, you wouldn’t have to hit her like that. They’re done out of love.

12.Wipe away her tears
[It'll show you'll always be there]

ALWAYS. Explain that if she ever talks to other guys, you WILL find out.

13. Love her with all your heart.
[Not with your brain... or your dick]

In fact, give her a heart. Maybe like out of a butchered cow or something. Wrap it in a heart-shaped box. (Great tip for Valentines!)


14. Pick her up and flirt with her (she'll scream and say put me down but really she loves it).
[It's true boys!]

No matter how much she screams for help or tries to fight, just hold onto her until you get her back to “the hideout.”

15. Be a gentleman (hold the door for her).
[Every girl loves a guy who is a gentleman]

This one is true, hold the door all night long if need be; she can come out when she learns how to fucking cook a chicken without burning it.

16. DON'T let your friends talk trash about her, it'll get back 2 her
[& it'll make her feel like you aren't really there for her]

In order to engender a closer relationship between your friends and your sweetie, let them watch when you have sex. Even better, let them take a turn with her while you “love yourself” in the corner.

17. Take her for a long walk at night!
[She just wants to be alone. & that's not always bad. The world can be annoying sometimes & you just need to be alone.]

Make sure you take a walk somewhere you won’t be recognized if she “turns up missing.” Rural areas with deep woods are a good idea. Blindfold her for extra excitement and to ensure she doesn’t know the way back home.

18. When it's cold outside hold her close
[You want her to be happy & she's happy in your arms]

In fact, hold her close to a fire; they’re REALLY warm. If you smell bacon frying she’s too close.

19. Draw on or rub her back as she is trying to rest or sleep
[This just feels good HAHA!] {not with a pen you idiot, with your finger}

Rusty tuna can lids make good devices for writing in skin.

If you're a girl then repost with the title "So true, I want that guy."

And if you're a guy then repost with the title " I can be that guy."

________________________________________________________________


I hope this is helpful to all you men out there wondering just what women want. You’re welcome, ladies.