Pita Bread with Hamas

1/26/06


I am usually loathe to engage in schadenfreude*, worse still in something that could end up really rather badly for the world at large, but I couldn’t help myself today. Listening to the President speak is really, really funny. My subsequent guilt has nothing to do with Dubya—we’re arch nemeses…he just won’t take my invitation to a boxing match—no, the mild guilt stems from the wildly sweeping victory of the Hamas organization in the Palestine elections today. For those of you who don’t sign up for daily infuriation by listening to world events, I’ll give you a little back story…real quick like.

According to Wikipedia: “…literally "Islamic Resistance Movement" and Arabic for 'zeal'), is a Palestinian Islamist movement and political party closely related to the Muslim Brotherhood. Its stated goal is to "remove Israel from the map."…“Hamas affirms a right to engage in military struggle to liberate the post-1967 Occupied Territories and has repeatedly affirmed that its claims over the pre-1967 area of Israel.”

They are regarded as a terrorist group by, among others, the US, Canada and the European Union. In today’s Palestinian elections, the first since 1996, Hamas won 76 of the 132 seats to their Legislative Council, wresting majority power from the ruling Fatah government who has been plagued by corruption scandals as of late, (sound familiar?)

I’m as uncomfortable as the next person with militant, gun-toting ideologues running the government, (no, I’m still talking about Palestine,) especially when their friggin’ goal is to wipe the neighboring country off the goddamn map. But forgetting the potentially horrific global results for a moment…

Today the world was treated to hearing President Bush stumbling his way through a speech that touched on the Hamas victory, attempting to put a positive spin on a democratic election which had just voted in a radical, terrorist government. It was rather like watching the slow school bully to come up and solve the algebraic equation on the blackboard.

The US, among other nations, had been vocal that they would not deal with a terrorist government in Palestine. Assuming, as most were, that Hamas would be a large minority at worst. Oops! Missed that one by a country mile! So the President, in an effort to backpedal his way out of getting his hand caught a cookie jar full of elected loonies with AK-47’s running a whole country, had this to say:


QUESTION: Mr. President, is Mideast peacemaking dead with Hamas' big election victory? And do you rule out dealing with the Palestinians if Hamas is the majority party?


BUSH: Peace is never dead, because people want peace. I believe -- and that's why I articulated a two-state solution early in my administration so that -- as a vision for people to work toward, a solution that recognized that democracy yields peace and the best hope for peace in the Middle East is two democracies living side by side.

I’m gonna pause right there for a moment and ask if anyone…anywhere knows what the fuck the above paragraph means. It certainly is a lot of words, and they are all English, but it sounds like stalling to me. The President smiles that weird, Snidely Whiplash grin that means a whole bunch of manure is about pool around our ankles.

BUSH: You see, when you give people the vote, you give people a chance to express themselves at the polls, they -- and if they're unhappy with the status quo, they'll let you know.

Beads of sweat start to form on his upper lip as the President questions the wisdom of trying to stay up past Leno last night. A muffled twanging sound like that of a popped watch spring is heard from the direction of the President’s brain. I wonder if he was thinking about our upcoming elections when he said this?

BUSH: Obviously, people were not happy with the status quo.

The people are demanding honest government. The people want services. They want to be able to raise their children in an environment in which they can get a decent education and they can find health care.

Okay, goddamnit, now you’re just fucking with us! Does the irony that we have the exact opposite of this in our country strike him? I can’t help but think it does as one of the President’s eyeballs pops from its socket, making it all the way to the third row of reporters. This last line is the best.


BUSH: And so the elections yesterday were very interesting.


The word “interesting” can mean many things. For instance, it can mean that the President was curious and fascinated by the peaceful democratic process in Palestine. Or, it could mean he dumped a load in his pants because people in democracy aren’t supposed to want terrorists running shit. Either way, funny, funny stuff.

I actually sort of hope being in majority power mellows Hamas out and they do start dealing in a more moderate tone. More moderate than, “Hey, let’s kill us a country full of Jews today.”

Does anyone else kinda feel like we’re going to wake up radioactive with new, interesting tumors on our genitals on any given morning? I’m starting to get the impression that the world might have gone stark, bat-shit insane. Korea with nukes, Iran possibly getting nukes, us hemorrhaging in Iraq, terrorist cells, hurricanes to beat the band, global warming, a federal deficit reaching heavenward, drought, frogs, locusts, dogs and cats living together; mass hysteria!

Anyone wanna get a drink?



*schadenfreude: Taking pleasure in the misfortune of others. Gods bless the Germans for being spiky enough as a people to make up an entire term for it. And saying I’m loathe to engage in it isn’t strictly true; I usually reserve it for people I know, however. I feel it’s fairer to laugh at the discomfort of ones’ friends than strangers who might or might not deserve it. At least I know my friends are worthy of such treatment.