Spam…with Tits! Part II

2/4/06

Greetings and welcome to part two of our series on annoying, quasi-criminal shit on the internet. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we will address a subject that has gone overlooked for far too long. There is no shortage of information and debate on the subject of predatory old men out there, hunkered over their keyboards in dark rooms with skin-suits nailed to the walls, just luring in young children and wayward teenage women for their demonic sexual needs. Yeah, we’ve talked about that to beat the band. But what about the unseen, unaddressed victims of internet trickery? I speak, of course, of the lonely male.

Regardless of the age, lonely, rather unappealing men all want the same thing. Sex. This affliction is most prevalent in straight males, as I’m under the impression gay men are all living much more exciting lives than me, full of wild sexual trysts and more blowjobs than I could download in a week. But I digress.

A new and sinister beast has reared its head on the internet; the “hot” chick who, apparently tired of attractive, confident men who leave the house, has decided to contact you because she “thinks your hot,” even though this is clearly not the case as you are wearing jizz-stained boxers and a “Who Farted?” hat.

This diabolical tomfoolery is designed to ultimately get you to visit a website where you have to pay money to find out that “Kandi” doesn’t exist and you’re out $49. The worst part is these sites usually don’t have porn. At least, not what I’d call porn. They’re about as arousing as a Brooks Brothers catalogue. (Okay so one time I jerked off to the yacht attire…)

Here’s an example that was clever enough to slither through my junk filter:

Hello have a good day,
I am not sure where to begin,it is first time I try to use internet to
meet the man but the thing is,that I will work abroad I can choice
USA,Canada or Europe and I would like to meet the man to share free
evenings and be my guide. My friends helped me to send a few letters
to different address and I do hope that I am lucky to meet good and
kind man.you should know that now I live in Russia and my goal is to leave this country because it's difficult being a sexy woman here alone
I will send a few photos if you reply.
if you don't have wife nor girlfriend ,maybe we could try to meet?
I am free I have not children and I have not boyfriend here.
I am 25 years old ,please write to me directly
to my mail- angela@persmail.info See you soon ,with great hope.

    And there’s a picture:


This example might be the best one I’ve ever seen. This is the work of an evil genius. The levels of manipulation and verisimilitude are astounding. First of all, notice the good but not perfect English. Clearly the woman’s bright, just not flawless in the language. (i.e. hot, Slavic accent.) Second, there is no allusion to a website, not yet; she gives you her “personal” email! Look for the old bait-n-switch later. Third and probably most ingenious is the photo. Oddly framed with a rickety old blue door in the background and a decidedly hot though clearly not overtly slutty Russian blond (notice the black shirt so it only implies the succulent rack located beneath) my gods it’s nigh perfection!

Just to compare, I’ll now give you a few examples of terrifically bad attempts at this which, frankly would be lucky to fool a dim-witted woodchuck afflicted with priapism.

Sent from pat@iprolink.co.nz:
RE: its me
Hi, dear!! I'm fine, thanks, alive! It's a pity, but I've lost your phone number. That is my number 4284561 please, call me, I'm waiting. We'll meet soon. That 's my photo -- Best regards, pat
Thursday, February 1, 2006, 7:29:42 PM, you wrote:
Hello, wwyoo12.
> Hello,. > hi! > How are you? > Why didn't you call me? I really miss you, my darling!!! I want to see you as soon as possible. > Could you send me your photo which you promised me!! Call me, waiting

Now, what can I say about this one? If I understand it correctly, these clowns are expecting me to be so chronically dimwitted that I would believe this is a response to an email which I sent; hence the “you wrote” part. I have to give them points on sheer ballsiness, but unless I’m the guy from Memento I’m pretty sure I never wrote anything quite so retarded as “I really miss you, my darling!!!” As I’m not an eighth grade girl, I generally refrain from the flagrant overuse of explanation points. Oh, by the way, the “photo” download included is just a gateway to new and intriguing viruses. This one seems geared toward computer damage instead of separating you from your money via misleading websites.
Real quick, here’s another.

This one’s from Armina Peni; Lktvwtcvytlj@yahoo.com
Subject: hi wxaine from

100741 hi, i have seen your profile on line you are...very very hot
lets gettogether andhave some fun
addme to msn,messenger ,my is hottielookingforfun
lethave fun
Rtuwykj Omdi Gkuhoxiqlu Ku Uiriwmoh
Rhdgn Sxrdddwy
RnpsopbHwtVail
FfrktdouOgNcsxpa
Dhmwhhd
Ipojpsa
Smjcuacg

We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen! Congradulations, Armina, you are officially “The Worst Mass-Mailer Ever!” (Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling.) Seriously, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Yeah, very convincing; all of my close contacts refer to me as “wxaine,” which is the beginning of my email address; wxaine@hotmail.com And what in Hell’s basement is up with the crazy moon language at the end of the communicae? “FfrktdouOgNcsxpa” to you, too, you clearly foxy lady who might or might not be typing in tongues!

Thank the gods the internet has free porn clips on it or I might just give up altogether.