SPAM with Tits! Part III

3/8/06


Occasionally I enjoy bringing you wonderful ladies and gentlemen a heartwarming tale designed to lift your spirits and fill your soul with… Ah, who am I kidding; I'm making fun of some ridiculous crap. Once again we're looking at the resurgence of a practice that was marginally annoying in the good old days and has since undergone a Friday the 13th-like resurrection thanks to the magic of the internet. I speak, of course, of asinine chain letters couched in the guise of inspirational anecdote.

If you're alive I'm sure you receive one of these magical little gems in your inbox on the order of once every thirty-four seconds, probably sent to you by the lonely fat lady in Customer Service who giggles at cat calendars. There are many different styles, but all are variations on a theme. They all must have two things:

1) Touchy-feely inspirational nonsense, and

2) Shit that's hard to believe

Take the following as a perfect example.

Do u have feelings 4 someone
If this doesn't touch u.....you're heartless

One night a guy & a girl were
driving home from the movies. The
boy sensed there was
something wrong because of the painful
silence they shared between them
that night. The girl then asked the boy to pull over
because she wanted to talk. She told him that her
feelings had changed & that it was time to move on.
A silent tear slid down his cheek as he
slowly reached into his pocket & passed her a folded note.
At that moment, a drunk driver was speeding down
that very same street. He swerved
right into the drivers seat, killing the boy.
Miraculously, the girl survived. Remembering the note, she
pulled it out & read it.
"Without your love, I would die."

1st:
If u post this on a bulletin in 5 minutes
someone special will message or call you.
2nd:
REPOST IF YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE SO MUCH THAT YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT THEM!!! (EVEN YOUR BEST FRIENDS!)

Okay…first of all, this did not happen. This never happened, this never will happen. For those of you who think these tragically unlikely events actually transpired in the physical world, I have a bridge I'd like to sell you while we go Snipe hunting and look up "gullible" to see if it's in the dictionary.

This particular story is a bit different than most in that it seems kind of sick. Upon first viewing you might think it's a wonderfully sad little story about the virtue of telling people how much they mean to you, but it is not. I invite you to look closer and you'll find the truly hateful and insidious nature of this demonic tome.

How far this couple was from home is one question that bubbles to mind. I mean, how eager was this broad to break up with Junior that she couldn't wait the twenty minute car ride back to the ranch? Maybe it was one of those fancy drive-ins thirteen towns over or something. On top of that, what sort of sadist breaks up with someone in mid-transit so they can stew silently next to each other in an enclosed space for an extended period of time? I can only assume the girl in the story is the type of woman who would whip out photos of her hysterectomy over strawberry short cake at her niece's birthday party.

Second, and a bit more vague of a sticking point is that the instant she finds out she wasn't horribly mutilated in this roadside debacle, she immediately reaches into her pocket for the note. What a self-centered bitch, man! Does she thank (insert supreme being of your choice here) for being alive? Does she maybe check on her heretofore boyfriend currently dripping off the ceiling? Maybe she tries to call for help? No. Mortal danger instills an irresistible desire to read. Maybe we should be threatening children with assault rifles as part of the normal school curriculum.

But I don't want to make you think the boy is blameless here. Clearly from his borderline psychotic note about ending his life should she ever be gone longer than a bathroom break, he was a bit needy. No wonder Cinderella broke up with him. I can see how they got together in the first place; a heartless, impulse-driven wench and a spineless, quivering pit of emotional need. That sounds about right.

Lastly and most staggeringly frightening of all is the fact that now this (admittedly rather unpleasant) girl is going to be fucked up for the rest of her life. Not only did she get the gift of watching the guy whose heart she drop-kicked splattered into a fine paste before her eyes, but she'll also never get over the guilt of making lover-boy's last thoughts those of crushing loss and despair. Plus there's the whole supernatural coincidence of the substance in the note, as if Fate or God is some kind of twisted fortune cookie ghost writer channeling through a love-sick adolescent for His own insane jollies. Oh yeah, this one's a real pick-me-up.

I can only assume whoever actively circulates this level of evil either hates the recipient or is so blissfully unaware of the psycho undertones in the farcical fiction that they might not be able to comprehend the instructions on a Pop-Tart.