We Got Crazy Down-Pat

5/30/06


Sometimes it's amazing how you can be shocked and yet not really surprised at just how goofy a person can be. I doubt very many of you out there would disagree with me were I to claim that Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club, is a bit of a religious wing-nut loony, in the same way a black hole has a bit of a gravitational pull. Even President Bush, not known for his even-handed logic, seems to suspect Pat might have a head full of venomous, rabid weasels. Yet, every time I turn around Pat's pulling some new, insane shit out of his ass and we all act flabbergasted. Sometimes I really get the feeling that he doesn't believe any of the things he says, and is just pulling a huge, elaborate joke on the rest of the country. "I told 'em fags cause earthquakes! And they still haven't taken my crazy ass off the air!"

Before I tell you of his most outlandish claim to date, let's take a look at some of Pat's greatest hits, shall we?

Nuking the US Department of State HQ

Pat thought that perhaps our nation would be a bit better off if we rendered a vital part of it into a smoldering, radioactive crater.

"What we need is for somebody to place a small nuke at Foggy Bottom,"[1]

World Leaders Who Piss Pat Off

Pat called for the "wacking" of Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez:

"If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do itIt's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability." [2]

He also lovingly suggested that maybe God smote Israel's Ariel Sharon with stroke after Sharon withdrew troops from Gaza and the West Bank.

"He was dividing God's land, and I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union], the United Nations or the United States of America,

"God says, 'This land belongs to me, and you'd better leave it alone,'" [2]

Among these gems, Pat has also warned citizens of Dover, PA not to dare ask for God's help, since they voted out 7 members of the school board who supported "intelligent design." He has called the religion of Islam and Hinduism more or less full of hate and demonically-inspired, respectively. But the best, the all-time killer has to be Pat's lunatic tirade over Hurricane Katrina, for which he has blamed everything from feminism, to legalized abortion, to the fact that Ellen Degeneres (a homosexual!) was hosting the Emmy Awards. That, my friends, is a special breed of crazy.

And just when I thought my good, frothing-at-the-mouth friend Pat could no longer surprise me, he shows just how foolish I am and ups the ante to cosmic levels of crazy. Pat Robertson--76-year-old Pat Robertson--claims he can literally leg press a ton. 2,000 pounds. Just to put that into perspective, Dan Kendra, a football player in the prime of his life at Florida State University managed to get a paltry 1,335 pounds up for the world record, bursting the capillaries in both his eyes in the process. But no, yeah, I'm sure a septuagenarian windbag totally bested him by over 600 pounds.

This is just 20-degrees of fucked-up, ladies and gentlemen. Want to see for yourself? Here's a link to a story and video on his website of Pat supposedly pressing 1,000 pounds back in 2003. This sort of claim is right up there with the idea that the earth is 6,000 years old and hurricanes slam coastlines because of gay award show hosts. (Pat also blames Ellen, among countless other entities, for 9/11 I'm not joking.)

To what does Pat owe his Samson-esque strength and vigor? A health shake. Well, a health shake and Jesus, I suppose; maybe Christ is spotting him. I copied the recipe off CBN.com (Christian Broadcasting Network) and reprinted it here for you, just in case, you know, you need to bench press a bulldozer for God or something. What a fruit-loop.


Age-Defying Shake


1) 6-8 ounces OJ (other fruit juice, water, low-fat or skim milk may be substituted)

2) 5 Tbsp soy protein isolate

3) 5 Tbsp whey protein isolate

4) 2 Tbsp natural apple cider vinegar

5) 1 Tbsp flaxseed oil

6) 1 Tbsp safflower oil

7) 2 Tbsp soy lecithin

8) 1 tsp MSM powder

9) 1 tsp glutamine powder

10) 5-6 frozen strawberries, a peach or apple or whatever type of fruit you like (for taste)

11) Non-caloric sweetener (Pat recommends Sweet'N Low)


References

[1] http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=35036

[2] http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/05/robertson.sharon/