Burden of Debt

7/20/05

Good news! I am pre-approved for a Platinum VISA featuring a low 9.9% APR and exclusive Platinum status! How deliriously wonderful! Upon hearing this rare news I felt like bolting right out onto my balcony and shouting my newfound wealth and position from the rooftops. Then I remembered that my balcony is the size of a postage stamp, has several bags of garbage on it because I’m too lazy to walk down to the dumpster and is dotted with hundreds of turd land mines because of the doves who live under the gutters, so running around shouting on the balcony would probably be a tragically bad idea. Oh, and also, this credit card offer stunk out loud.

I’m sure you receive somewhere in the neighborhood of twelve similar offers in your mailbox daily just like me; that is, provided you meet the stringent standards set up by the credit card company’s crack team of loan specialists. Near as I can figure, these standards include:

1. Being a person, alive or dead.

2. Possessing brainpower sufficient to sign your name. (Optional.)

I have four or five credit cards at this moment because, like many of you, I enjoy immediate gratification, and saving up for the DVD box set of Adult Swim cartoons would take upwards of a week when I can just break out the plastic. I also operate under the delusion that this magic little square will allow me to pay for things in increments over a period of time during which I will ignore the monthly statements and forget to pay the bill incurring late fees and finance charges until a $19.99 purchase costs somewhere in the neighborhood of a NASA Martian lander.

But back to making fun of Fat Harry’s Bank or whoever the crap sent me this credit card “offer.” First of all, they stick this little cardboard rectangle on the application, mocked-up to look like a credit card until you turn it over! The back is blank save these words: THIS IS NOT A CREDIT CARD. You’re kidding me. You mean this flimsy little paper card without my name, any expiration date or magnetic strip is not a valid tool for financial liberation? Color me shocked, my good man! Do you not agree with me, dear reader, that if I’m inept enough to actually take this slip of garbage and attempt to procure goods and services with it I do not deserve the embarrassment and ridicule of the village? All this assuming, of course, that I could get out of my house with all the complications of working a doorknob with a load full of excrement in my pants.

Now, onto the really good stuff; the fees, rates, cost, limitations, “available” credit and other terms for my new fantabulous VISA. Nothing could be simpler or more convenient! All I must do is sign this demonic thing and the company will do me the favor of charging me an Account Set Up Fee of $29 (one time only!), Program Fee of $95 (also one time only, keep reading, sucker!), Annual Fee of $48, Participation Fee of $72 (but it’s billed at a low $6 monthly!), and Super Secret Special Customer Fee of $799. Okay, I made that last one up, but the rest are staggeringly right there in black and white. The minimum available credit for this type of card is $250, and if I should be so lucky as to get that, I’ll only have a balance of $172 when my new VISA card comes in the mail, possibly accompanied with a tiny fork to stab myself in the eye for my own stupidity.

Oh, and this is really special; if I perform the duties of a cardholder (namely bending over and taking it up the tail-pipe with my wallet open,) I may be eligible for that prize most coveted by the working class; a Credit Line Increase! And because, by that point, I’ll have been such a good little debt monkey, the company will do me the favor of increasing the size of the hole I’m digging for a meager charge of $25. I wish I were kidding. I don’t know what an “Internet Access Fee” is, but that costs me $3.95. Sweet mother of crap. Then, if I manage to take my mouth from around the corporate teat of these credit demons and close my account, I’ll be accessed an Account Maintenance Fee of $3 per month for every month I carry a balance of more than twenty dollars.

You know what? This is so patently ridiculous that no further scathing remarks can make it look more foolish so I’m going to sign off here before my head explodes from any continued contemplation of this malarkey. One last thing before I go, though. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but right now there’s a bill before Congress to make credit card debt exempt from being written-off when you declare bankruptcy. Yeah, that’s right, partner; if you happen to incur debt for any reason, the most common being from medical bills, you still have to pay for the frayed hammock and broken water pick you put on the plastic because banks give millions upon millions in “contributions” to the government; which is another word for kick-backs. Just something to chew on while you’re living out of your car and getting threatening letters from your exclusive Platinum VISA provider.

I’m moving to Fiji.