Average American

7/11/05

I get a bit nervous whenever I come out of my alcoholic haze long enough to flip through the channels and realize that many of our elected officials are kind of stupid. Call me crazy, but I don’t feel comfortable with the idea that I am a fair sight smarter than the men and women running this country. I’m apparently alone on this subject, as far too many registered voters go around saying that they want an “average man” in the White House. Are you a deranged monkey? You want an average human representing America and having access to nuclear weapons?

Lots of average Americans still think dinosaurs lived at the same time as man, (to be fair, they’re only separated by 65 million years,) and don’t know that the Sun is a star. I think the figure who don’t know that is a staggering 40%. By the way, 72% of statistics are made up on the spot. I recently saw a web posting where a high school teacher was asking if someone could explain what the difference between a sun and a star was. Are all stars suns? she wondered. Apart from the fact that she’s teaching goddamn high school, there’s the stranger and more disturbing fact that she posted the question on a web message board as opposed to going to the library and, oh, I dunno…looking it the fuck up? These are the average Americans I’m talking about. Not exceptions…average.

Why on earth would we want average in the highest office in the land? You’re neighbor’s average; what do you think of his ideas on foreign policy? They’re probably something like, “Just bomb ‘em.” Hmm…maybe he could be president. You all got just what you wanted; we have an average man in the Oval Office. I was under the impression that the man most singularly responsible for our well-being and economy should be of a higher caliber than Myrtle down the street who took out a payday loan to buy scratcher tickets.

But no. Americans don’t want intelligent, complex solutions to problems that can’t be boiled down to black and white. They want someone with a shit-eating grin saying that the value of the dollar will go up if he gives you back some cash from your taxes and that the angry people over in the Middle East aren’t mad because of economic, religious and cultural issues and a sense of disenfranchisement that has ties going back thousands of years to the fall of the Ottoman Empire and rise of Christianity in Europe; no, no…they hate our freedom.

I think if I hear the President say “they hate our freedom,” one more time I’m just going to grab a mallet and start beating people about the head and neck until they take me into custody.

So Bush II won the election because he gave people dumbed-down, lowest common denominator solutions and they ate it up like candy. “Mr. President your justifications for declaring war out of the clear, blue sky on a country that’s no logistic threat to us are delicious, can we have some more?!” I’m not saying that John Kerry was the right man for the job; I don’t think he was the best candidate. I do think he was a damn sight better than the man who won, but that’s like comparing an eight year old bully to a sociopathic meth-addict with an AK-47 and nothing to lose.

Personally, I liked Howard Dean. You remember him; Governor from Vermont? I liked Dean not only because of his politics but because he, instead of being an “average” guy, struck me as someone who used common sense and his conscience. I thought he would do what was best for America and Americans regardless of his party or personal superstitions. Unfortunately Dean made the mistake of making a noise nobody had every heard before on national television. I’m not saying it cost him the election, but…well, yes...yes I am.

Another man who votes his conscience, and the only Republican I can ever see voting for, is Senator John McCain. But he, like Dean, would never win because they are too thoughtful. People don’t want thinking men who carefully examine the issues and don’t make irrational judgments based on personal bullshit. People want some dude who stands up and says “God is an American and I’m gonna kick ass.”

It seems to me that the trend in politics goes in waves, just like everything else. The Democrats are in charge for awhile and things get evened out and calmed down and what we end up with is a period of slow but steady economic growth. Granted, this is pretty boring. But it’s also comfortable; at least I think so; I really rather like a calm Universe. But people get bored or see us as weak or something like that and start salivating for the Republicans again. They start wanting the promise of easy money and the supposed power of intimidation in the world again. So in comes the big, gray elephant and they shake things up like a snow globe and it looks real flashy and it sounds good but a couple of years go by and what do we get? All...THIS, (Ryan gesturing wildly at the insanity of the country.)

With any luck, it'll all average out.