Robots for the Sake of Robots

12/23/05


Now I like robots as much as the next guy; more so even, since I think it would be pretty killer to have some kind of hot android broad laying about your place begging for sex all the time. But sometimes it seems as though people will just invent any dumb-ass thing that comes to them in an opium dream and there seems to be no shortage of equally deluded individuals who are willing to pony up the cash for something that could have been really cool if twelve seconds worth of lucid thought were put into it, but has somehow ended up a warped, twisted product of nightmares. To better illustrate my point, I give you the good people at Sharper Image, makers of fine, expensive and useless shit for decades.



The actual price for this one is pretty reasonable, considering what kind of mad technology you’re getting here, but for $149 you can purchase the “Alive” Chimpanzee; an animatronic chimp head that, well…I’ll just let them tell you:


· Amazing “Alive” Chimpanzee is a fully animated, life-size bust of the real animal.

· “Alive” Chimpanzee can see, hear and feel in ways that allow him to interact intelligently with you, your family, your guests…and with baffled strangers.

· Soulful eyes track movements using infrared “radar” vision; his ears have stereoscopic sound sensors; his skin reacts to contact with touch sensors all around.

· Four distinctive emotional moods include “Curious,” “Happy,” “Fearful” and “Feisty.”

· Override his “natural” autonomous mode by using the wireless controller to communicate specific commands as far as 30 feet away.

· A Sharper Image worldwide exclusive.


Now, the questions fairly ricochet through my brain at this point, but I’ll attempt to form some manner of coherent thought as I try to wrap my head around this one. Is it cool? Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Until you think about it with your mind. I can understand why someone would find a robotic chimp pretty damn rad; imagine coming home from a hard day at work to be welcomed by a big, friendly Robo-Chimp hug and beer that he’s been kind enough to fetch you from the fridge. Pretty sweet. But that’s not what we have here. What we have is a robotic chimp head. Got that? A fully articulated, decapitated simian capable of autonomous movement and vocalization. For all intents and purposes, you are purchasing a stationary object whose primary function is to scream at you like a banshee from atop your bookcase. It’s not as if it speaks, you see; in an effort at total realism, the makers have given this shrieking bust the vocal abilities of a real chimp. It’s like having a dim-witted peacock with a skittish attitude permanently attached to your living room, just occassionally screaming for no apparent reason at the top of its lungs and making you shit a little in your pants. The good point? No ass = no robo-shit.